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| wow ron! you're up mighty early!! nope...i'm just up really late. i can't sleep so i'm gonna xanga.
I've been going to the gym much more often than my usual zero times a week and i've noticed something. every time i go, i always see new ways to exercise. every time i go, i see someone doing some new absurd motion that i would presume works out a specific muscle or group of muscles. i see this especially at the free motion machines. there's the "horizontal awkward high-five" motion. there's also the "hold on to the handle of the pulley and lunge in different directions". there have been stranger looking ones but i can't think of them at the moment.
i guess what i'm getting at is this: if i go into the gym every day and do some random absurd motion but pretend like i know what i'm doing...do you think people would try it? i mean, do you think anyone would know that you just made it up? hahah
i'd try it, but i definitely don't look like i know what i'm doing when i'm working out, even if i do  .
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| it's been a while since i've written so i figure it's about time.
i've been doing some reflection on the gradual progression of a relationship and i guess the following is what i've concluded:
relationships are not about give and take.
In the beginnings of any relationship, there exists this mentality that is completely dominated by what i like to call the fuzzy wuzzies. It's where everything is new and exciting and your mindset about how relationships should be is shaped by it. i guess it's comparable to a honeymoon, which are typically spent in some tropical paradise with no bills or troubles to worry about. I think that whether you're willing to believe it or not, this time has the potential for most self-centeredness and selfishness. that's probably a bigger claim than i realize but suspend your judgment for the time being. I think that this time is extremely dangerous because the selfishness is disguised as "loving" your partner. you do things for him/her that you wouldn't normally do. but why do you do them? is it truly to bless and honor him/her? or is it to garner a response that you really want? are you doing these things to be loved? if so, the great thigns you're doing for your partner are ultimately intended to cycle back onto you. the blessing that you say you want to give out is really intended to be placed on you.
well anyways, past the honeymoon phase and the pink marshmallow phase comes a reality check. the relationship is no longer about reveling in emotional highs, so what is it about? more fights come about. sometimes it seems like you're fighting every week, day, hour, minute. why? because you're both fallen and broken people with different insecurities that you're trying to satisfy. so this portion of the relationship is marked by the notion of compromise! sounds pretty good. the relationship becomes much more about give and take. the relationship seems to be taking a turn towards maturity right? not necessarily. while on the outside, this looks like maturity and growth, this mentality is marked with the same selfishness that the honeymoon phase was. it's just packaged differently. give and take...you give in some area so you can take in another. you sacrifice your comfort so that the other person sacrifices for yours. again, the end goal is not the blessing and outpouring of love for your partner, it's love for yourself and an attempt to earn something for yourself. one way that i've found you can tell if you've fallen into this behavior is if you think about how you would react if your sacrifice wasn't matched. whether it legitimately wasn't matched or whetehr you just think it wasn't, how do you react to that? is it unfair? God's word through Oswald Chambers might be helpful.
"From our Lord's standpoint it does not matter wehther I am defrauded or not; what does matter is that I do not defraud. Am I insisting on my rights, or am i paying what I owe from Jesus Christ's standpoint?"
real love does not care if it is shortchanged, or if it gets the short end of the stick (totally a comma splice but i dont' care) because love is vulnerable. love is beyond what we cling to as important in our culture. love isn't earned or deserved as some kind of right. i don't think love is about give and take at all. i think it's about give because you want to bless the other person, not bless yourself regardless of what the outcome may be. the receive part is just a bonus.
i thought i was so grown up but looks like i'm not
God bless friends
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| it's nights like these my thoughts don't sit still and strange connections are formed in my mind and i'm reminded of exactly how i felt at various points in my life. needless to say, i can't sleep.
if you know me well, you'd probably know that instead of movies, i watch tv shows on my computer. you've probably heard me say something along the lines of tv shows being less of a time commitment or something like that. well i've recently gone through the seasons of seinfeld and tonight, it struck me that this show, or things associated with this show, have resulted in extremely varied emotions in me. think it strange? me too.
the first incident that produced strong emotion in me was when my brothers (who were probably just entering middles school) would fight about who got to control the channel on it. the tv was an old one with channel controls on the unit itself as well as the remote control so many times one would control the remote and the other would fight with the manual controls. i partook in a number of these i must admit. anyways, a much contested time slot was 6:30 pm. would the channel be set to fox or wgn? seinfeld or friends? ironically, these are two shows that i now watch a bunch. they would fight back and forth. not too eventful. brothers fight all the time.
the next one is when i was commissioned to tape record episodes for a dollar a piece by my dad. it was my only opportunity as an elementary school kid to make some money (yet i have no idea what i spent it on). i remember vividly sitting next to the vcr being vigilant about stopping the recording when the commercials came on and resuming when the show came back on. though i don't often like to admit it, but i wanted approval from it. some sort of affirmation that it was a job well done. as always, it's much easier to say "i'm proud of you" than "i love you" but i was realistic in understanding what i could get.
next one is christmas. the worst christmas of my life to date for certain reasons that i won't get into at this moment. as a second grader, my gifts pretty much sucked in terms of utility. i can't imagine a second grader giving you something you want materialistically. "a powerdrill?? how did you know?" get real. for my dad, my brother bought a seinfeld themed book. the title eludes me. admittedly, i did not put too much thought into my gift for my dad but i thought it pretty good for a second grader. it was a video about david and goliath. a cartoon version. i think we still have it in the video collection. upon opening my brother's gift, it was evident that he appreciated it. he even said so. upon opening mine, he said something along the lines of "i have no use for this" and gave it back to me to keep. that's not why it was the worst christmas of my life but that kinda sucked. then again, the gift sucked too.
the series finale of seinfeld was, for some reason, given special attention in my house. it was like watching the olympics or something. it was something the whole family gathered together to watch...even my mom who didn't ever really watch tv. it was a strange phenomenon to be doing something like that. i imagine it looked a little something like the families you see on tv. me, my dad, and my mom under the ninja turtle themed blanket even though it was warm out and my brothers laying on the ground. it was warm out, warm enough to play basketball and during commercials, that's what we would do. seems picture perfect.
fast forward to senior year in hs. having a job allowed me to express my love language of gifts. i'm a big gift person. it was a pretty cushy job with a wage rate that was i'm sure envied by many kids my age. i splurged. i rationalized it thinking that it was my senior year and i might not ever see these people again. i bought things for my teachers, for my friends, even the ones that would break plans to hang out with people they liked better, and for everyone in my family. truth be told, i spent over $260 that christmas. every day after school for about a week, i would go to the mall for 2 hours. my people included in my list were twenty or so strong. for my dad, who was visiting from taiwan at the time, i bought the second season of seinfeld on dvd. makeshift recorded vhs tapes made for a dollar an episode just didn't cut it anymore. the day comes to open gifts, and finally, he seems pleased. he goes and converses wiht my mom about how the season that i bought him "hun yo ming" meaning is really famous. the famous episodes are in this season he thought. so mission accomplished? not quite. thinking that it should have felt great to finally gain some approval, it felt sour. it felt awkward. i didn't like it. i guess earned love just isn't the same huh? regardless, beggars can't be choosers right?
winter break, freshman year in college. visiting taiwan, we went to my dad's apartment. he brought the seinfeld dvds i got him. trying to take steps towards relationship, we watched an episode or two then he thanks my brother. for what you might ask? for buying him the dvds. how lame is that? the affirmation and "a job well done" that i sought so hard after was given without any thought to someone else. it wasn't even important enough for him to remember it was from me...
now that sucked
old wounds being resurfaced from an unlikely source...a tv show about nothing.
his actions and reactions say i'm not good enough but He says that He is enough for me.
Praise be to God, the One who gives purpose to suffering
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| "Community building ... is more an orientation than a technique, more a mission
than a program, more an outlook than an activity. It catalyzes a process of change
grounded in local life and priorities. Community building addresses the developmental
needs of individuals, families, and organizations within the neighborhood.
It changes the nature of the relationship between the neighborhood and the systems
outside its boundaries. A community's own strengths-whether they are
found in churches, block clubs, local leadership, or its problem-solving abilities are
seen as central."
i thought taht was rather interesting
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| Praise be to God!
that He crafted my pain, my weakness, my life...
into my greatest tool to deliver His comfort, His power, and His life!
I was hiding in the darkest night and then You found me
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